Republican National Convention Schedule

Revised, July 2004 (sent to me by a good friend)

6:00pm - Opening prayer

6:15pm - Supplementary opening prayer

6:30pm - Prayer in thanks of first two prayers

6:45pm - New energy policy presented by Exxon

7:00pm - Canonization of Reagan

7:15pm - Additional prayers

7:30pm - Opening remarks by Halliburton

8:00pm - Prayer for the safety and well-being of Ken "Kenny-boy" Lay

8:15pm - Additional remarks by Halliburton

8:30pm - Stoning of the first homosexual

8:45pm - New healthcare polices presented by HMO leader, Kaiser Permanente

9:00pm - Invasion of Iran or North Korea (TBA)

9:15pm - Halliburton contributes 1.4 billion to Republican party

9:30pm - Reagan elevated to savior, Holy Trinity now referred to as "the quads"

9:45pm - Bush undergoes plastic surgery to look more like Reagan

10:00pm - Cheney runs into Ron Reagan, Jr. Tells him to go fuck himself

10:15pm - Recall of troops from accidental invasion of South Korea (Bush: "Damn, the SOUTH is our ally. My bad.")

10:30pm - Burning at the stake of 16 year-old Jenny Williams, who had an illegal abortion after being raped by her cousin

10:45pm - Dancing around the Granite Calf

11:00pm - Stoning of the partner of the first homosexual

11:15pm - New forestry policy presented by Weyerhaeuser

11:45pm - Thanking God for his wisdom in choosing Bush as president

12:00pm - Closing prayers (lasting until 2:00am)

2:00 am - Hookers arrive for all delegates