Robertson Says: Vote No On Jesus

McSweeney's Internet Tendency

June 25, 2004

Fellow Christians,

The Second-Coming of Jesus Christ was a magnificent and joyous day for all. Interrupting a brand-new holiday episode of 7th Heaven with his divine electronic prowess, Jesus informed the world on the first night of Hanukkah that he would return on December 25, 2003, somewhere in Washington D.C. Cynics dismissed the announcement as a hoax, while the faithful flocked to churches everywhere in anticipation of Christ's reappearance. Doubts of His authenticity vanished on Christmas Day as He walked across the Potomac River and quietly addressed a breathless crowd gathering for the annual Anti-Kwanzaa rally at Christian Coalition headquarters. He connected with the masses as only Jesus can, mesmerizing on-lookers with profound messages of peace and hope. He outlined the steps necessary to steer the world toward a path of deliverance, stressing tolerance and compassion. With such virtuous ideals in mind, Jesus announced His intention to run for President of the United States. As President, Jesus insisted, He could rid the world of evil, unite humankind, end world hunger, and achieve eternal peace—shaping God's Land in the glorious image of Heaven.

And so it is with great sadness that I write this letter urging you to vote against Jesus Christ for President.
You know it's true. You know it.